Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Kanu's Last Minute Valentine Day Guide

Never been a big fan of Valentine's Day - always seemed artificial and forced to me, a way for various business interests to make beaucoup dollars while dressing up what is essentially a manufactured occasion in images of love and thoughtfulness to get you to pay $39 for roses that cost $15 every other day of the year. If you love someone shouldn't you do special things for them a totally random times and more frequently than once a year to show your affection? Anyhow, the point here isn't a rambling thesis on the problems I have with the holiday. The point is to help those of you with less than 24 hours and no ideas as to what to do...

One day left. You don't have any ideas, but at the same time you would like to avoid the "dozen roses/Russell Stover/Spa Sydell gift certificate" trifecta which screams of minimal thoughtfulness and effort. Here are a couple of tips that may help you out:

Get your hands on the album The Evolution Of Robin Thicke by Steven Gerrard look-a-like Robin Thicke, and give it to your lady. Specifically tell her that the song Lost Without You makes you think of her every time you hear it and so on and so forth.

This tune perfectly encapsulates what it is like to be in what I call the ga-ga phase of any relationship - those first 2 to 4 months when you are head over heels in love, everything is perfect, there are no disagreements, arguments, or fights, and sex is playful, fresh, new, and fun. And what better time than Valentine's Day to revive the thoughts and feelings from the ga-ga phase of your relationship? Ditto for the song Teach U A Lesson: playfully and respectfully naughty and teasingly erotic without being distasteful: what relationship couldn't use a little more of that?

Tell her this one makes you think of her as well, and that you want to act it out later tonight. If these two songs cannot spark a sexy encounter with you and your lady, then it's pretty obvious that you need 1) couples therapy 2) to just give up end your relationship.

"Come on Kanu, this is some seriously sissy fairy crap. I mean shit, man, I did some checking around - dude is Alan Thicke's son. Yeah, that Alan Thicke: the dad from Growing Pains"

Dude, no offense, but it doesn't really matter what you think of it. What matters is if she will love it, and unless she is a death metal queen then the odds are that she will, and think that you are super sweet and thoughtful, and that is a valuable commodity. Also, before you completely dismiss R Thicke as a fairy-boy, you might want to know that his voice and musical skills helped him land Paula Patton as his wife- she's the smokin' hott woman in that Lost Without You music video in the above link.

Don't get roses - too obvious and cliche for 2/14. Get her a rocking arrangement of something less conventional, preferably whatever her favorite flowers are. If you don't know what her favorite flowers are, then 1) shame on you unless you are newly dating 2) you still have time to find out from her close friends. Most women certainly won't turn roses down but they would be happier to get something different because it shows a little more thoughtfulness, creativity, and effort.

If you have any skills in the kitchen at all, then instead of going out to dinner, cook her dinner. The more out of character this is for you the better. Get a nice bottle of wine, crack it open, light a bunch of candles, throw on some music, and make a nice meal. This is much more interactive, personal, and fun then going out, and she will think it is super-romantic if you cook her a nice dinner. Of course, if your specialty is Lucky Charms, then going out to a nice restaurant might be best.

If you are going big, then I would recommend anything but a diamond, mostly on the general principle that diamonds are a girl's best friend intrinsically of little value and a hoax perpetuated on America by the DeBeers Corporation over the course of the 20th century. Of course, she probably doesn't agree, and I have been in my fair share of what can politely be described as "disagreements" with chicas on the issue of diamonds over the years, but you can point her in the direction of this article which sheds some light on the issue. Apparently the movie Blood Diamond touches on the other dark side of the diamond business, so you could always lure her to that as well with Leo Di Caprio as the carrot.

That's pretty much it. My last tip involves a bottle of champagne and a Twister mat, but I'm not going to get into it here. But when you do get to sexy time, light some candles and listen to this, and you'll be set.

Of course, the best thing you can do for your lady is to surprise her with flowers/little gifts/thoughtful notes for no reason at several random times throughout the year. Methinks she'll appreciate that even more than you doing nice stuff for her on the day that society tells you that you should.


Anonymous said...

Or, you could just tell her at the outset that you think Valentine's day is a load of crap and you're not playing along with it. Frau DC Trojan thought I was joking when I told her that in 1993, but bitter experience has proved that I wasn't joking. Still, nobody made her say yes when I cracked out the engagement ring, so she's not got much basis for complaint.

Who says romance is dead?

Matthew Reifslager said...

thanks for the, uh, valentines pointers, and great article on the diamond trade, but seriously, it was written twenty five years ago. How about linking to a more recent source?

Matthew Reifslager said...

on second thought, scratch that--can't afford the diamonds anyway. perhaps I'll surprise my lady with some russel stover candies instead.

Anonymous said...

Nice to see my former Employer getting the back handed props all the way across the country.

Happy VD, Kanu!

Kanu said...


Sorry man - i know that atlantic monthly article was written in 1982 but it seems to be the definitive source as a jump off for the subject matter. Feel free to google the subject for more recent entries.

Kanu said...


Sweet, man: I dig the boycott on general principle route. My sis is also a boycotter. Mad respek to you both, because it is one thing to talk about the vday boycott and another thing entirely to put it into practice and pull it off. A tip of the hat to you and everyone else who can pull this off.