The Golden Mullet: A Day 3 Weeks Late & A Dollar Short

At the beginning of the World Cup I set out to keep an eye out to find The Golden Mullet that would take us all on a wonderful journey across the International Bad Line and beyond.

There were so many mullets on offer that you really had to be doing something special to stand out. Of course you had the classic like Argentine fullback Juan Sorin. But this was common and had been done so many times before.

Swedish midfielder Wilhelmson came with something never seen before - his own interpretation of the part mullet/part rattail/ part single dread, earning himself an honorable mention for originality.


All the rage in Sweden, meaning that it
will catch on in the USA around 2016

Spanish backup goalkeeper Canizares was sporting a crazy dye-blond mullet that made him look like he was straight out of an 80s metal glam band, earning himself an honorable metion as well.


Laid down a wicked bassline on "Dr. Feelgood" "Unskinny Bop"

All solid efforts. But there can only be one Golden Mullet, and that prestigous honor is reserved for midfielder Jan Polak of the Czech Republic.

There can only be one champion.

On a squad already boasting Patrick Swayze from Point Break, you really have to come strong to get any notice, and come strong he did. He not only went for the shaved sides look, the rooster mohawk on top, AND the blond dye on the mullet proper leaving a skunky two-tone effect, but he took the extra step of seperating the top and the back into their own sections.


Ghana's gladiator Essien, running scared.

Put all that together and you have your winner. I am proud to bestow this honor upon our hero Jan. It should go someway towards offsetting all of the dumb Polack jokes about him not being able to spell his name correctly or even suit up for the correct country.


So frightful that is was first shown yellow...


...and then red. The referee was clearly a hater, and Andrea Pirlo (21 in blue) is clearly in awe.

Speaking of 80s glam metal bands, the team award went to Ukraine, hands down. Argentina were pretty good, but in the end they could not touch this Ukranian team. I am pretty sure that I saw them open up for Skid Row back in 89.


Hard to tell here, but if you saw #s 4, 10, 14, 19
and a few of the subs in action then you know.

A nomination for team award, classic division was put in for Bulgaria 1994, particularly this dude. I honestly didn't have or take the time to do any legwork and come up with any challengers, and I just met a cute girl from Bulgaria, so there's your winner.

Finally we have the most fucked up haircut, mullets excluded. There were so many solid entries that it is a bit of a suprise that we had such a runaway winner. Our man plays defense for Angola and is named simply Loco, which serves not only as his name but as a one-word explanation of his unbelieveable haircut, which is basically 2002 Ronaldo meets Dreadlock Rasta. So awfully horrid that is absolutely rules.


Loco indeed.

Sadly, there was no competition for most fucked up haircut, classic division, and there never will be, because nothing can ever top the full on insanity of Carlos Valderrama (my God, take your pick). Ever. He will hold this title ad infinitum.


The one and only MFUHCCD.

The Golden Mullet

For years I have been pimping a theory that I call the "International Bad Line." It basically goes that some things are like an American traveller going to the far East who wraps around the designated end of the globe and either skips a day or goes back in time. More specifically, some things are so horribly bad that they cross over this "International Bad Line" and become wonderful and epic, and rather than despise them for being abysmal, cheesy, or otherwise horrid, they should be revered and celebrated. Examples incude the Bee Gees, the horse Zippy Chippy, or your friend's shitbox, beater car with its own self-depricating nickname that requires at least 3 pieces of inside information to operate legally and safely (like to get the wipers to work you have to crank the AC, lean 40 degrees to your left, and pull up slighty on the parking break while making sure that the radio is tuned to AM590: Musica de La Raza).


"Dude, can you come over and push
'The Zephyr' so I can pop-start the clutch?"

The all time, be-all, end-all best example of "International Bad Line" is easily and without question THIS:


Picture in encyclopedia for "International Bad Line" entry. It's rrough!

But a really close 2nd is the mullet. They are so bad that they absolutely rule. You can't tell me that every once in a blue moon, when you for whatever reason catch a glimpse of Billy Ray Cyrus, that it doesn't make you smile or laugh out loud. Any one of us that had the balls to actually grow out and rock the "business in the front, party in the back" would certainly acquire legendary status in their community in no time at all. A poster a couple of days ago mentioned that he was amused with the mullets on offer by the Polish national team, which got me thinking...

Every World Cup a trophy called The Golden Boot is awarded to whichever player scores the most goals over the course of the competition. Bo-ring! I am starting The Golden Mullet, whch will be awarded to the best mullet at the end of the tournament. If more than 4 other people think that this is a good idea, then I will not only scour the matches for wonderous mullets myself but encourage you to do the same and nominate them, and perhaps at the end of the tourney we will even put it to a vote.


If Ronaldo can win the 2002 Golden Boot with
this stupid-ass cut, then I can create The Golden Mullet

This post will fall down the page into obscurity over the next couple of weeks, so over in the sidebar on the right you will see THE GOLDEN MULLET listed as the first link under WORLD CUP 2006. I encourage you to click on it throughout the tournament and submit your nominations on the comments section of this post, and we'll take it from there.

We got off to a flying start today courtesy of of Swedish midfielder Christian Wilhelmsson, who was rocking something that looked like a cross between Roberto Baggio and a chop-less Joe Dirt. But it was even different than that. In the back, about 80% of the "party in the back" was removed, leaving only a small, narrow sliver of partial mullet. Pretty damn solid, man. You are the leader out of the gate (another dude had a poor-man's version of this in the Argentina match, but the top of his head was corporate office-like, he just had the tiny strand hanging in the back). The mullet may also be good strategically; T&T defender Avery John was so distracted/in awe of this mullet that he clattered into Wilhelmsson and got sent off.


The only way to stop this mullet is to foul it.


Mullet-tastic: so sweet it HURTS.

But remember, this is a marathon not a sprint, and there are 59 more matches for this to be equalled and/or surpassed.

If you can't win the World Cup, the next best thing is to be the proud owner of the best soccer mullet IN THE WORLD. Bring It!

***Update***

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.