Tuesday, May 1, 2007

EDSBS Radio Raises The Bar, And The Best Music To Have Sex To

I was stuck at work today until 7 p.m., so it was especially nice to have 90 minutes of late afternoon EDSBS Live Radio to pass the time. Tonight was their best ever show to date, with a great interview with outstanding Southern football writer/ESPN contributor Tony Barnhart, EDSBS Radio legend Ragin' Cajun Rebel showing his versatility and not only entertaining us with his great comedy but dropping mad knowledge as well, 1001 fucking f-bombs, and several other great calls all capped off by special guest Ma Swindle, who absolutely knocked it out of the park and showed that she is as clever, witty, and overall kick-ass as her progeny Orson. You can listen to the rebroadcast here until showtime next Tuesday when it will be overwritten.

I didn't make it on this week, which is probably directly related to the fact that the show was so good. But I had some good answers and was especially looking forward to discussing question #4 with Messrs. Bean & Swindle. It wasn't to be, so here are my answers to this week's Four Questions:

1. Which sportswriter gets under your skin the most?

Does HP count as a "sportswriter"?

Hard to say, because if I think a writer sucks then I tend not to read his columns. So many to choose from here - Mandel, Peter King, but I am going to go with a group answer of anyone who appears on ESPNs The Sports Reporters, especially Mike Lupica. A bunch of marginally clueless, self-righteous, egotistical windbags.

2. Tell us a sportswriter you like who others seem to underrate and/or unfairly bash?

Wow. For Arsenal it would be Amy Lawrence, for Horse Racing it would definitely be Steve Haskin of The Bloodhorse- 100 times better than anyone over at more popular Daily Racing Form, but for college athletics I am going to go the UGA & underrated routes and select Dan Magill, the Bill Brasky of Georgia Athletics and a literal living legend, who writes a column for the Athens Banner Herald at the ripe old age of 86. This man is a living, breathing, history of UGA athletics, and it is always fascinating to hear what he has to say or listen like a kid to one of your grandpa's great stories when he spins yarns from decades past.

3. You get to pick one writer who doesn’t currently cover sports to become a sports writer.

Shit- I thought of 3 and couldn't really narrow it down. In no particular order, because I would love to hear what they had to say on the world of sports: Kurt Vonnegut, because I recently read Cat's Cradle and dude's mind is just in a whole different universe than the rest of us. I'm guessing that the dude who came up with fucking Ice-Nine would have a rather "outside the box" idea as to how to determine a champion in division 1 college football. Hunter S. Thompson, especially after reading his wonderful essay on The Kentucky Derby. And finally, Bill Bryson, because he is intelligent, informative, and funny as hell, and every time I start reading anything of his I cannot put it down until 3 a.m. for a few nights in a row, and then it is finished and I am left to wait longingly for the next book to come out.

4. Because our show is so dependent on juvenile humor, the obligatory sex question: What’s your lovin’ song?

First off, a note to Orson- Untitled by D'Angelo cannot hold a candle to anything on the entire Brown Sugar album as far a music to make sweet, sweet love to. Just sayin'.

Lots of good answers tonight, but I'm a little suprised that no one came with the most obvious of all: Lee Corso Slo Jam by one Orson Swindle, which by the way is in my iPod. What is sexier than Swindle playing the part of Lee Corso and spitting mad sexy game by crooning to his prospective lover "I'm gonna run a freaky option like you've never seen, between passion and ecstasy" and "you know John Clayton ain't gonna freak you like this girl". Hell, it won the award for best audio/podcast post of 2006. I mean shit, man, this is a no brainer.

"The only thing better than making love with one Lee Corso,
would be making love with two Lee Corso's,
which is theoretically impossible.

But wouldn't it be so freaky baby if you could?"

Now then...

Any self respecting man really shouldn't limit himself to one song, because then you are talking about 3-5 minutes, and that just isn't cutting it- am I right ladies? Of course. Even if you go with some wacky ass 10 minute Massive Attack song then you are still at 10 minutes, which still won't be getting you any rave reviews in any knitting gossip circles. So I think it would be best to talk in terms of best album rather than best song, but I'll go ahead and cover all the bases here.

The sexiest song that I am aware of is an obscure Miles Davis tune titled Generique, which can be found on the Ken Burns Jazz: Miles Davis album{listen to sample here}. Even if you don't agree with me, you pretty much have to concede that the first 5 seconds of this song is the sexiest opening 5 seconds of any song in the history of man. Again, peep out the sample. The slow sultry background beat and trumpet that is literally dripping with sex is guaranteed to turn her panties into Waterworld tout suite, or double your money back. The trick with this song is that it checks in at 2 min 43 seconds, so {hopefully} the repeat function is in order. Either way, get your hands on it and you are likely to get your hands on it.

So now that we've established that we need an album, the question is which one? I used to think that the aforementioned Brown Sugar by D'Angelo was about as good as it gets, but in the last few years I have found something that kills it and every other album known to me {hat tip to Chris Smith}. It's called Cafe Del Mar Vol. 5: it's a compilation of acid jazz/trip hop/downtempo/whateverthehell you care to call this kind of music, and it is without peer. Buy it, steal it, download it, copy it, get your grubby hands on it today. I especially like how the first tune has a long intro which is perfect for when things are just starting out and teasing kissing and foreplay are in order. Shit, just stop thinking and incorporate it into your arsenal tout suite.

Stop asking questions, stop talking, stop thinking: Just get it.

But if you really want to pimp out something fierce, then do this: create a genre in your iTunes - I called mine "Lounge". Then throw into it the aforementioned album as well as copious amounts of Morcheeba, Thievery Corporation, Massive Attack, St. Germain, Zero 7, and Supreme Beings Of Leisure. Next hook up your iTunes on your PC or simply your iPod to the stereo system in whatever room is host to the ribaldry. Lastly and most importantly, put the whole genre on shuffle and off you go. As of today iTunes tells me that I'm looking at 226 songs/18 hours of unique music, which even with a whole bottle of Viagra and the female cast of Republica Deportiva would be more than one would ever need. OK, maybe not if it was the entire female cast, but the odds there are a tad low. Plus, the beauty of this is that thanks to the shuffle feature every encounter is a unique musically-aided experience: you will never fall into the routine that you do with a sex album of the first couple songs being mentally associated with kissing, the next few with foreplay, and the next few with sweet, sweet lovemaking {make sure to read sweet, sweet lovemaking with your Ron Burgundy inner voice}. If that genre isn't your thing, then simply do the same thing with whatever type of music does it for you - Megadeath, Iron Maiden, GWAR, whatever...

So there it is. That is how this pimp rolls.

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