Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Golden Mullet

For years I have been pimping a theory that I call the "International Bad Line." It basically goes that some things are like an American traveller going to the far East who wraps around the designated end of the globe and either skips a day or goes back in time. More specifically, some things are so horribly bad that they cross over this "International Bad Line" and become wonderful and epic, and rather than despise them for being abysmal, cheesy, or otherwise horrid, they should be revered and celebrated. Examples incude the Bee Gees, the horse Zippy Chippy, or your friend's shitbox, beater car with its own self-depricating nickname that requires at least 3 pieces of inside information to operate legally and safely (like to get the wipers to work you have to crank the AC, lean 40 degrees to your left, and pull up slighty on the parking break while making sure that the radio is tuned to AM590: Musica de La Raza).

"Dude, can you come over and push
'The Zephyr' so I can pop-start the clutch?"

The all time, be-all, end-all best example of "International Bad Line" is easily and without question THIS:

Picture in encyclopedia for "International Bad Line" entry. It's rrough!

But a really close 2nd is the mullet. They are so bad that they absolutely rule. You can't tell me that every once in a blue moon, when you for whatever reason catch a glimpse of Billy Ray Cyrus, that it doesn't make you smile or laugh out loud. Any one of us that had the balls to actually grow out and rock the "business in the front, party in the back" would certainly acquire legendary status in their community in no time at all. A poster a couple of days ago mentioned that he was amused with the mullets on offer by the Polish national team, which got me thinking...

Every World Cup a trophy called The Golden Boot is awarded to whichever player scores the most goals over the course of the competition. Bo-ring! I am starting The Golden Mullet, whch will be awarded to the best mullet at the end of the tournament. If more than 4 other people think that this is a good idea, then I will not only scour the matches for wonderous mullets myself but encourage you to do the same and nominate them, and perhaps at the end of the tourney we will even put it to a vote.

If Ronaldo can win the 2002 Golden Boot with
this stupid-ass cut, then I can create The Golden Mullet

This post will fall down the page into obscurity over the next couple of weeks, so over in the sidebar on the right you will see THE GOLDEN MULLET listed as the first link under WORLD CUP 2006. I encourage you to click on it throughout the tournament and submit your nominations on the comments section of this post, and we'll take it from there.

We got off to a flying start today courtesy of of Swedish midfielder Christian Wilhelmsson, who was rocking something that looked like a cross between Roberto Baggio and a chop-less Joe Dirt. But it was even different than that. In the back, about 80% of the "party in the back" was removed, leaving only a small, narrow sliver of partial mullet. Pretty damn solid, man. You are the leader out of the gate (another dude had a poor-man's version of this in the Argentina match, but the top of his head was corporate office-like, he just had the tiny strand hanging in the back). The mullet may also be good strategically; T&T defender Avery John was so distracted/in awe of this mullet that he clattered into Wilhelmsson and got sent off.

The only way to stop this mullet is to foul it.

Mullet-tastic: so sweet it HURTS.

But remember, this is a marathon not a sprint, and there are 59 more matches for this to be equalled and/or surpassed.

If you can't win the World Cup, the next best thing is to be the proud owner of the best soccer mullet IN THE WORLD. Bring It!


Winner, winner, chicken dinner.


Anonymous said...

I wanted them to lose solel based on that douchebag's haircut.

Kanu said...

No way, dude - it rules!

You are thinking in terms of the old economy(I love bringing this great piece of late 90s tech-bubble bullshit-speak out whenever possible)...

Lux Intellectus said...

Kanu, thanks for a great riff on my original comment. I'll join you in the quest for the perfect soccer mullet. As I mentioned, here is my nominee, Poland's number 4. All I can say is that he must have family in Tennessee. The guy is just a broken leg away from a double-wide with a crystal meth lab in the back.

David, aka "Baconboy"

Kanu said...

Baconboy -

Thanks for the tip - I somehow didn't really notice while watching the 2nd half of Poland-Ecuador Friday at the pub at lunch, but you can be sure that I am looking forward to seeing it for myself in its full glory next Wednesday when they play Poland.

Hopefully we can get a whole bunch of good'uns and democratically select a winner.

So keep your keen mullet-eye finely tuned.

Kanu said...

err, Germany.

Shit - if this catches on, we may need a seperate category for fucked up haircuts that fall out of the mullet subgenre...

Lux Intellectus said...

I agree, for while Ronaldo's twat cut from the last WC doesn't qualify as a mullet, it might be one of the all-time worst haircuts. And given the popularity of the shaved look (which I personally sport, but only because my hair is thin) what about a Lex Luthor award for the person whose haircut matches his skill in thugishness?

Anonymous said...

He's no thug, but Freddie Ljundberg is a dead ringer for Luthor.

Anonymous said...

Some of the best mullets ever had to be the Bulgaria 94 team. Check out this photo of Trifon Ivanov's mullet. It comes complete with the "neckbeard" bonus feature!

Kanu said...

Beautiful find, Nico.

We now have three official categories:

1. The Golden Mullet

2. Most Fucked Up Non-Mullet Hair

3. Mullets: Classic Division

That dude today for Angola will be damn tough to beat out for #2. He's like the early leader in the clubhouse in golf who shot a final round 63 and now has to wait around and see if his amazing effort will hold up.

Kanu said...

MB- Sweet addition. AS Orson pointed out a long tme ago, Zubaz are up there too:

Wear these and your muscle shirt in Public, at say, the Dogwood Festival, to test the limit of your wife's love (that being said, I recommend NEVER wearing zubaz and a muscle shirt in Piedmont Park after dark, if you know what I mean - might send the wrong message).

Oh, and IROCs too, and those old Pontiac Firebirds with the split top sunroof-thingy.

Lastly, for true "IBL" gretness, look no further than our old friend Bobo.

Anonymous said...

Man, one time I was in this spanish restaurant with my chest hair all poing out of my button down shirt just above my carefully hung sunglasses, when I realized the whole menu was in Mexican! I coundn't read nothin'. I was sooo mad I could spit blood. Took me a while to relax and muster enough energy to ask Mahke to make the calculation, you know, mathematical. Then someone in a stupid GT shirt tried to walk by my office and I told them to get out, cause this is bulldog lane. Aint that raght, Mahke? Now I must be off to show off Patrick Kearney's glove.

Anonymous said...

The Airman brings up a great point. Since he is a native New Jersian, he tells me that the IROC crowd up there had the following:

Golds Gym Muscle Shirt
Budwieser Painter's Cap, backwards
Hightop Reeboks with the Velcro strap un-connected to the corresponding loop

That makes up the classic NJ IROC crowd. He won't admit to owning any of the said items above. Says black people couldn't wear it. I think he had at least 3 pairs.

I'll even bet mouth breather has a couple of Bud or Camel painter's caps laying around the house some where.

Kanu said...

This site will never be complete until I click on comments and find one left my "Airman".

Nah, Airman sonstantly muttered under his breath "Get outta here" or "stupid ova here" or "throw that in the gobbage"...

Anonymous said...

That IBL idea is already well known:

Hostpph said...

You are right, Ronaldo has his ego out of his *, I don't know why he did that kind of things.