Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dividing By Zero: The 2008 Champions League Final

I don't know if I am even going to watch, and if I do, I don't even know how to watch- it's a bit like dividing by zero for my brain watching these two clubs play for the biggest club title in the world. What I mean by that is not only 1) am I not sure who I want to win, score goals, etc, but 2) watching the match, on any given pass, I don't even know whether I want that pass to be completed to its intended recipient or intercepted, or what- and that goes for both teams, thus creating quite a mindfuck. So my brain is on TILT on this one, as it doesn't even know how to process the information and what to make of it other than SYNTAX ERROR. In other words, the ultimate meteor game, or what I always refer to as an "injuries and explosions" game, as in, that is all there is to root for.

The equivalent of this match in college football terms would be Georgia Tech and Florida playing in the national championship game.

If you're a South Park fan, then this is giant douche v. turd sandwich.

Another way to explain it would be to use an analogy to sex. I rather enjoy sex, just as I like watching Champions League finals. But watching these two teams contest the CL final is like watching my parents have sex- just cause it's sex doesn't mean that I won't be repulsed by it if the participants are a certain set.

Each team has 1 of the 2 biggest divers and whiners in the world, Chel$ea's Drogba and ManUtd's C Ronaldo. Both teams, more than any other {in England at least} are known to all crowd around, bully, and even push referees when calls go against them. Neither of these are admirable traits, and both make it hard for any neutral or other non fan to get behind either of them. I could go on and on, but I won't, cause there's really no point.

If Chel$ea win, then uber cunt Ashley Cole is a Champions League winner, and that will be highly irritating. If ManUtd win, then C Ronaldo will be a Champions League winner, and that will be just as irritating.

And even if you get past the allegiances, there's still probably not much for the neutrals. Remember that just last year these two teams, as completely loaded with talent as they are, played the most dire and boring FA Cup final you might ever see. Add to that a very foreign atmosphere and climate, and the fact that they local kickoff time is 10.45 p.m. for TV, and the match itself could easily be a borefest of a 0-0 or a 1-0.

On the one hand I could rationalize that I'd rather ManUtd win because they are known for attacking football. On the other hand, if Chel$ea win then it might make my week to see C Ronaldo bawling his eyes out like we've seen so many time.

I think the pub is out; I'll probably just fire up the slingbox and have it streaming as I do some work. Just hoping that if there is a hero that it's a palatable player like Essien or Giggs; worst case scenario would be C Ronaldo scoring the winner.

They should just cancel the whole thing and instead bring out a giant pool and have C Ronaldo and Drogba have a diving contest to determine the winner.

I'd also like to thank Barcelona and Liverpool for allowing this travesty to happen.

This preview has been brought to you by The Optimist Club- Enjoy The Match!

1 comment:

beast in 'bama said...

Perfection? Uber-douchebag Ronaldo missing a PK in the Champions League Final.

Improving perfection? Uber-douchebag John Terry doing same.