Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Oh My, This Is Going To Suck

The greatest show in the history of television is without question "Dallas", specifically the first 6 seasons before Jim Davis passed away and the silly & stupid dream season. I used to tape the daily re-runs on TNN, and when they stopped showing it I then started paying extra money to DirecTV each month for something called the Soap Network, which picked it up. Now I live in an apartment building where satellite dishes are not allowed, and Comcast does not carry Soap Network, so I am out in the cold. They have begun releasing the first few seasons on DVD, which I have promptly scooped up, so hopefully this will continue and I can at least own the first 6 seasons, before the show began it's long, slow decline (hell yeah! Season 5 DVD U.S. release date announced: August 1, 2006).

Yum: Pam, before Victoria Principal got botox/plastic surgery

So now they are making a Dallas movie, which I always thought would never work, mainly because NO ONE can play J.R. other than Larry Hagman, but he is just too old to pull it off. That and the fact that you cannot cram a 12 year TV show into a 2 hour movie; even if they just focus on the first 5 seasons before Jock's death, there is no way to get anything in a 2 hour movie that will be at all coherent.

Good luck trying to come up with a group as great as this

Well, now they have begun to announce the cast, and I am completely convinced that this movie is going to absolutely suck.

John Travolta as J.R.?
Jennifer Lopez as Sue Ellen?
Shirley McLain as Miss Ellie?
Luke Wilson as Bobby?
Marcia Cross as Pam?
Paris Hilton as Lucy?

No way Travolta can pull this off

McLain as Miss Ellie and Paris as Lucy might actually work, but J-Lo as Sue Ellen could not possibly be farther off (she would actually be a good choice to play Pam but is horribly miscast as Sue Ellen), and Travolta will suck as JR. With this misplaced cast they might as well go with Carsten from Queer Eye as Jock, Ben Verene as Cliff Barnes and Richard Simmons as Ray Krebbs.

I shudder to think about who will deliver Jock's
signature line: "Do you mean to tell me..."

Plain and simple, this movie should not be made. Every single person who watched/liked the original TV show will be massively disappointed, and all of the young people who never saw it will only think "That was one of the great shows on TV? Whatever old man. I saw the movie, and it sucked." I am sad that the next generation's sole impression of "Dallas" will be a shitty movie rather than an excellently written and acted TV show. Although, I suppose that if 1 person is intrigued enough by the hype of the movie to go back and watch the show and see how great it is, then that would be a positive thing to come out of all of this.

I feel like Jock when Mitch Cooper refuses the house that Jock has bought for him and Lucy as a wedding gift, because Mitch wants to make it on his own without the help of the Ewing largesse. Jock looks at his champagne flute, frowns, and says "I'm gonna need something a hell of a lot stronger than this...", then storms off into the house to find some bourbon.


Brain said...

We both know that there is only one man tough enough, bad-ass enough to play Jock. Ron "I was in Vietnam too asshole" Hayden, now "The Hit" go get me another Basil Hayden straight up.

Kanu said...

True indeed. Ron Hayden is the closest thing alive to Jock Ewing.

Come to think of it, Sober Sue would make a fine Miss Ellie...

Mouthbreather said...

If anyone knows Dallas it is you, Kanu. I share your concern about the cast. Can a Scientologist really play J.R.? It's blasphemy. I do believe I have a strong candidate for J.R.--how about Gene Hackman? Gene can pull off the southern accent, and he has great skill with the succinct ironic dialog of which Larry Hagman was the master. I'm interested in your very respected opinion.

Kanu said...


I had forgotten that JT was a Scientologist - I am sure that Hagman is less than pleased that JT is playing him, given his social & political values.

Again, NO ONE can pull of JR like Hagman did, which is one reason why the movie should not be made. That being said...

Hackman is a good suggestion, mainly because he has a great history of portraying the affable bad guy with the evil smile. A very good suggestion, and certainly better that Travolta, who as Solon said will completely overact the part and the result will be awful. My problem with Hackman is that he too is rather old. In the Dallas heyday of 1978 - 1985, JR was a young, rich, and good looking. Hackman is what, 65? Other than the age a very good selection.

Gene Hackman would actually make a perfect Clayton Farlow come to think of it.

You got me thinking, and if I was casting this movie I think my 1st choice for Ole J.R. would be Matthew McConaughey. He is the right age, good looking, and I think of the young, good looking actors his age he could best pull off the affable, sweet talking, wheeling/dealing evil genius, with the classic full-of-himself JR smile.

Now forsake work some more and find me a Sue Ellen. J-Lo couldn't be farther off.

Kanu said...

McConaughey is from Texas, too. So the southern drawl will be legit rather then fake & forced, like Travolta's will be, or like Clooney's was as a Lobstahman in Perfect Storm. Also, as a native Texan, he is familiar with that culture and therefor the context of the role. Oh, and Hagman would approve of anyone who gets baked and plays the bongos naked in his backyard.

Yes, he should definitely have been selected as J.R., and you know he would have accepted this part in a second, so the casting director gets a big fat F.

Mouthbreather said...

You're right. Hackman is too old. Good call on McConaughey. I can't think of a movie where he played an evil character, but I think he would be good at it. His agent has probably steered him away from it. Also, they could use some naked bongo playing for a dream sequence. That guy smokes more grass than an Oklahoma brush fire.

Solon said...

On the plus side, they have changed the director. It is the guy who did "Bend it like Beckham" and "Bride and Prejudice," for film afficianados.

All right, let me give this a shot. Here's my fantasy cast:

Jock: Robert Duvall
There are a million options here--James Garner, Tommy Lee Jones, Jack Palace, Clint Eastwood--but Duvall is the best actor of the lot and would kick ass.

Miss Ellie: Shirley McLaine
Shirley will be all right, and while I'd love Julianne Moore or Dianne Lane in this role, neither is old enough to play the matriarch.

J.R.: Alec Baldwin
Evil son of a bitch. Did you see "Glengarry Glen Ross?" Shit, man, if Cliff doesn't have brass balls he'll never make it in the oil business.

Sue Ellen: Catherine Zeta-Jones
Certainly has the class and composure that Sue Ellen had, and could easily pull of the "Miss Texas" thing, as she looks Latin and is smoking hot.

Bobby: Matthew McConaughey
As the more athletic/better looking of the brothers, MM fits much better here. Plus, he's a bit of a clown, which is just what Bobby was for his first 25 or 30 years.

Pam: Ashley Judd
So obvious I can't believe it isn't universally accepted. J-Lo, obviously, would make a much better Pam then she would a Sue Ellen.

Cliff: Billy Bob Thornton
Might be too old, but would be good in the "earnest underachiever trying to make good who can't handle success" role. Perhaps Ed Norton would be more reasonable, in terms of age, and also do well.

Ray: Brad Pitt
An homage to the original cast, plus would play the "stupid cowboy" with no head for business to a T.

Lucy: Kirsten Dunst
Lots of options--Scarlett Johannsen, Lindsay Lohan, et al.--but Kirsten is as good an actress as any of them and would be best. I do not think Paris would be too bad here, because, much like the original Lucy, she can't act either.

I can't believe I don't have a spot for Naomi Watts. Jenna, maybe?

Solon said...

Brain--we should tape Ron saying "I AM TAKAPA!", then slamming down his glass of Basil Hayden and storming out of the room, and send it to the casting director. There's no way anyone else would get that role if we did that.

Kanu said...

Very impressive Solon. FYI Brad Pitt is rumored to be close to signing on to play Ray Krebbs.

Now if you really want to impress me, find me a:

Digger Barnes
Punk Anderson
Mister Eugene
Afton Cooper
Dusty Farlow
Dr. Elbe (already got it - fellow cromagnon Oliver Kahn)
Alan Beem
Jordan Lee
Merrilee Stone
and Sly, J.R.'s secretary

Oh, and you'll need a Kristen Shepherd to shoot J.R. as well.

Get crackin', fool.