Monday, January 7, 2008

Dodgy At Best Exclusive:
BCS Unveils New "Minus One" Format

Immediately after Tonight's Allstate BCS Championship Game, outgoing BCS commissioner Mike Slive, Fox Sports, and Axe Body Spray announced that going forward, there will not be a playoff nor a "Plus One" model, but rather a "Minus One" model to end the college football season.

The final game will be called the Axe Body Spray Notre Dame Memorial BCS Disappointment Championship and will feature Oklahoma and Ohio State as long as they have gone to and lost their respective BCS games. If either team is not eligible, then Notre Dame will be the first alternate if they are BCS eligible. That should not be too tough for the Golden Domers, who simply have to win 9 games against a majority crap schedule to earn their BCS asskicking, although this year they did fall just 7 wins shy of that 9 win BCS guarantee threshold. If one of the 2 slots in the game cannot be filled by Oklahoma, Ohio State, or Notre Dame, then a five man selection panel consisting of Ron Powlus, Ray Goff, Reggie Ball, Ron Zook, and Todd Marinovich will determine which of the BCS teams was the biggest disappointment in their BCS appearance.

Fox Sports president Ed Goren said "We are excited to be involved in this project and add the Axe Body Spray Notre Dame Memorial BCS Disappointment Championship to our Fox Bowl Bash lineup. Our production staff is already working on creating new audio and graphical special effects and nonsensical halftime promotions to celebrate and grow the ABSNDMBCSDC brand and maintain the Foxtastic quality of our college football broadcasts featuring the JumperScope PCS vision replay camera - in theatres on 2.14.08!" Rumors are already flying about Fox signing Ryan Seacrest to a multiyear contract to host the pre and postgame shows.

Axe Body Spray Vice President of Marketing Lance McTool was estatic about his company's involvement. "Everyone at Axe Body Spray is incredibly pleased to be involved in this exciting and unique event. We feel that it is a perfect match for growing our brand, since most of our customers feel great disappointment that after using our product they are not actually attacked in public by packs of beautiful and extremely horny women. We couldn't be happier about the ABSNDMBCSDC."

Growing the brand

Of course, this will not end the annual controversy surrounding the college football postseason. Savyy analysts have already pointed out that if the ABSNDMBCSDC had existed this season, then it would feature Oklahoma and Ohio State by rule, and Hawaii would be unjustly left out. WAC officials were quick to point out that the system is inherently biased against the smaller non-BCS conferences. "Hawaii more than any other team in the country would have deserved to play in the ABSNDMBCSDC this year, but the big money BCS conferences want to keep the little guys out, which is a shame because a school like Hawaii would be robbed of showing the entire country what they are capable of."

Next year's inaugural ABSNDMBCSDC game will take place in Shreveport, Louisiana.


Brain said...

Brilliant my friend. Ottawa and Boise are fighting it out for the next ABSNDMBCSDC. My I also throw our good friends down the road in Clemson in as another alternate? Did you hear the Dreamy Kirk after the game saying that "LSU is the best team in the country, with out a doubt." Kirk I love you dude, I would let my wife have one night with you because I don't swing that way but come on! I don't think LSU comes away with a win against UGA, USC, WVU or OU. Give me a 8 team playoff and let's really see who the best is! I have been a Buckeye hater forever but you had to put them in the mytical BCS game due to their record. They were clearly outmatched. I just don't get why. They seem to have speed on defense. Their receivers seem to have speed. I don't get it. Well I guess it's a big WWWOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! for the SEC for making more money than any other conference during the bowl season and taking home a Crystal Ball as a parting gift. Hey when does that Masters tournament start? 119 day to Derby 134!

Jason said...

This is pure gold.

Might I also suggest that in the event that Notre Dame does not qualify, the ABSNDMBCSDC can also select from the following pool of candidates:

1) The Pac-10 team that has just lost the Holiday Bowl
2) The ACC Team that has just lost the Peach Bowl
3) The WAC Conference Champion

beast in 'bama said...

I second the nomination of the Pac-10 team that just got blown out in the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl as a substitution candidate for the ABSNDMBCSDC.

Thanks, Kanu. That was truly Foxtastic!