Saturday in the mail I get a letter from a law firm in Utah that begins, "Our law firm has been retained to collect from you the total amount due below." According to them I owe DirectTV $220. Funny thing is I have never been a DirecTV customer. So I ring them up thinking that they simply got me confused with another Kanu. She asks for the last 4 digits of my SSN and I am completely suprised that they match.
- "Have you ever lived to Miami?"
- "I've never even been to Miami".
- "Sir, you have been the victim of identity theft."
Well fan-fucking-tastic. Now I am getting wrapped up in an endeavor involving this law firm, the police department, and Equifax, so I'm sure it will be quick, efficient, and relatively stress free.
So fuck you Mr. Miami Kanu Impostor Guy. The next time a monster hurricane is bearing down on Dade County I will be hoping that your house and the DirectTV on top of it are completely destroyed.
It could be worse though. I could be ex-NBA star Eddie Johnson, and a bunch of news services could have erroneuosly put out my bio, info, and picture in a story about how another ex-NBA dude named Eddie "Fast Eddie" Johnson was arrested for molesting an 8 year old girl. I'd make a witty remark about how "Fast Eddie" went to Auburn, but there is nothing at all funny about sexual assault on a little girl, so we'll just say that the situation sucks all around.
Hopefully I can get my situation sorted out, Eddie Johnson can get his good name restored, and Fast Eddie can get molested by some 400 pound sweaty man in prison.